2001-07-31 - 1:17 a.m.
I was unpacking some carton boxes last night, choked full of old photos, sports day trophies (those were rare indeed), postcards from galleries, all sorts of wonders. I came across an old diary (day planner) I used to carry in high school, and found, on opening it, a little compartment in which I had stuffed notes, letters and little cards I received over those years. There were Valentine's day cards,notes containing the random trivia we used to churn out effortlessly, and a paper boat with 'Happy Birthday' written on it. A rush of child-like excitement seized me, I was 14 once again, transported back to the days when we ostracised the weirdos and felt bad later, giggled about kissing rather than worry about the pill, declared our love like the mature thing to do. I didn't think I'd look back with fondness (however slight). I was afterall, never quite in the *in* group (which was mainly a flock of ditzy girls with the pathetic lack of personality). And for some reason, I was always THE BITCH.
I have been trying to figure that one out for the longest time. Is it my choice of words, my indifference (ignorance?), facial expressions, or just my general disposition? Perhaps it's just that I'm not one to smile too much (a trait I inherited from mum), or maybe it's how I tend to subconsciously equate dignity with the necessity to scrupulously maintain an un-infractable front. After ample practice, you learn to remain numb to most things: happiness, grief, anger, disappointment, etc. Generally, you end up refracting all that comes your way, typically the unpleasant, somewhat like a human shield. But I reckon all that negativity must go somewhere. It finds itself being diffused amongst those around you, especially those closest and dearest.
In the last couple of years, I have learnt that you can always make the world a better place by sparing those around you the burden of your heart (please excuse the faux pas of this tacky cliche). It does mean life is sometimes punctuated with conflicting notions- should I pursue indifference to matters, or healthily blurt out my thoughts? But I do think life will always be like this, uncertain, ambiguous, raw, and pebbled with perilous mistakes. You reckon?
